Tuesday, 30 October 2018

Girls Are Not Smiling



It is funny how some people suddenly promote themselves from acquaintance to close friend, when your life takes an upgrade. The moment they noticed things had become very 'soft' for me, people who never used to ‘send’ me much suddenly moved themselves to the status of BFF, just to partake in my largess.

Chairwoman of this small group of people was Bimbo, my classmate back at Poly who began to force close friendship with me when she noticed my IG pictures were now taken in places like Dubai and France, and always featured expensive designer wear.

After she came to my new apartment for the first time, and saw the opulence it held, all thanks to my ongoing, well-paying affair with Senator, she became more than a regular visitor, and often even slept over.

It wasn't all bad, though. She was a useful person to have around, being an astonishingly good cook and housekeeper. Yet for some reason, I was not completely comfortable with her. I was not sure why, but I just had an intuitive feeling that she could not be trusted.

She soon proved this intuition right.

“Kira, abeg borrow me your phone,” she asked me one afternoon. “I wan’ make important call and I no get credit."

I gave it to her, suspecting nothing. I left her on the call to take something in the kitchen and on my way back, I froze in the doorway when I saw she was no longer on the call, but busily scrolling through the phone.

Being a sharp girl, that knows 'as e dey go', I immediately figured out she was trying to steal my contacts. I had given her gist about Senator and the way he lavishes money on me, but leaving out the whipping and other torture that came with it, so I knew he was her target.

I quickly went up to her. “You are done with your call abi? Give me my phone."

Ehn, yes, but I still wan’ call another...” She began, but I interrupted,

“You go do that one later. I wan’ make call too.” And I almost snatched the phone out of her hand.

I had not guessed wrong. She was indeed in my contact list, browsing through the names that began with ‘S’. Good thing I had stored Senator as ‘My Senator’, if not, she would have found and stolen his number already.

I knew I had to do something to prevent her from succeeding next time. There was no way I was going to joke with my Senator around a girl like Bimbo. With her shiny ebony skin and curvy stature that made her look like a Mercy Johnson twin, snatching men would be child’s play for her. And I had no doubt that she would try again. My phone was password-protected, but she would definitely come up with a ploy similar to today’s to access it.

I quickly decided on what to do.

I left Bimbo in the sitting room, and in my room, began editing the names I had stored the numbers of my mayes and sponsors with. ‘Mayes’ are those clients of mine that pay averagely for my services, while the big dogs that pay handsomely are sponsors, and of course, Senator was my Chief Sponsor. 

The intent of changing these names, was just to deceive anyone who went through my contact list into believing they were completely different from what they actually were.

For instance, Chidi, my maga at Apapa, changed from ‘Chidi Apapa’ to ‘Apapa Bricklayer’; Fred my sponsor who worked at an oil company in PH, became ‘Fred Boreholeman’ and Senator changed from ‘My Senator’ to ‘S. Mechanic’.

There was no way Bimbo or any other girl who tried to steal Senator’s number from my phone would guess, no matter how wildly, that he was the one stored as ‘S. Mechanic’.

That was not all. I also changed the numbers of artisans and workmen I had on my phone to the former IDs of these men. For instance, my mechanic became ‘Fred PH’ and my phone repairer became ‘Chidi Apapa’. Guess who I saved as ‘My Senator’… my laundry man. Hahaha.

I went back out to the sitting room where I had left Bimbo and asked if she still wanted to make that call.

She said “yes” eagerly and quickly took the phone from me. She started her call, but in a few minutes, changed her location as though she needed privacy for the call.

I almost burst out laughing again, already picturing how dramatic her reaction would be after stealing Senator's number, only to call him and find herself speaking with a broke-ass laundry man!


I swear, girls are not smiling at all. So to you men out there, if you come across your number saved on your girl’s phone with some weird or derogatory name, don't get angry. She just might be trying to protect you from man-snatchers like Bimbo.


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