Monday, 3 September 2018

Elevator Speech

When I walked into my office elevator this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find my boss in there. Not my direct boss, or boss’s boss, but the organization’s overall head.

“Good morning, sir,” I greeted him excitedly. It’s not every day you get lucky enough to share an elevator with the most important person in your organization.

“This is it,” I thought giddily. “This is your opportunity to impress.”

I immediately rummaged through my mind for the best elevator speech I had come across on the internet. This man must know how intelligent I am!

But just as I opened my mouth to start talking, I felt a threatening rumble race from my belly to my rectum.

What a time to feel like farting!

I knew it was due to the anxiety of being in the same space with my Oga at the Top, but there was no way I was going to disgrace myself by passing gas while in that tiny space with such an important person.

I clamped my mouth shut and screwed my fists tight, trying to hold the fart back.

“Are you okay?” my boss questioned.

“Yes, sir.” My voice was like a choked whisper. I was afraid to open my mouth to speak properly lest the wayward fart burst out at the same time.

I began to sweat despite the chilliness of the ambience we were in, and just when I thought it was impossible to hold it back one more moment, the elevator door opened. The boss had arrived at his destination.

Thank God!

He exited the elevator after one last worried look in my direction.

I left out a sigh of relief as the door closed behind him. And with that sigh, let the fart out as explosively as it wanted me to.

“Ahhhhh,” I smiled at the release. The odour that accompanied it was worse than a 7-day-old boiled egg.

But almost immediately after it closed, the elevator door opened again, and back in came Oga at the Top.

“Forgot something, need to go back down…” he began to say, but was stunned into silence by the stench of the fart I had just released.

I felt like disappearing.

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