Mammy Water Runs

I was in my room jejely one Friday afternoon when this guy started buzzing me repeatedly on WhatsApp. He was one of the countless men I had met on one of the many dating sites I frequented. I had been quick to give him my number in order to transfer our discussion to WhatsApp for smoother and quicker transaction. But the moment I saw his DP on WhatsApp and viewed him on video call, I immediately lost interest. He looked too razz for my liking, and at a time like this when numerous customers were coming my way, I was really picky. So a guy who looked as unattractive as he did was not someone I wanted touching me, no matter how much he was willing to pay me.

But he kept pestering. Maybe the sight of my stainless skin and the hint of full, round cleavage he had seen on the video call had scattered his brain. Day in day out, he would send me messages like “Oh baby, you’re too much. Come and chill out with me now, let me spoil you a little. I cannot wait to have a taste of this beauty mennn, trust me you will not regret giving me chance.”

Even now, I looked at my WhatsApp to see 10 unread messages from him. In the space of 2 minutes! “Hi” “Are you there” “Good evening Madam Kira” “Angel, talk with me now” “You know I am tripping for you” “Just give me a try”. His messages went on and on, and I hissed in disgusted at his barely intelligent attempts at convincing me to go out on a date with him; a date I knew he had every intention of ending in sex, which I was uninterested in having with him.

I took another look at his profile picture. His tribal-marked face and dull yellowish-red eyes like that of someone who constantly smoked Igbo and a mix of other things, stared back at me. He looked just like an agbero, I would not be surprised if he indeed was one. Maybe he was some agbero boss who had a few extra naira in his pocket that made him believe he could get a creamy chic like me to sleep with him. I cringed at the thought of letting this one touch me. I have been with worse-looking men because of money, sure, but at the moment, I was in no mood to subject myself to the irritating touch of someone who disgusted me as much as the person in the picture did. Who even taught him how to speak English and use a smartphone?

I should just block this mofo, I thought to myself. And was about to when another message came from him and had my hand pausing mid-action.

“I have plans for you, baby. First I want to take you shopping, anything you want you can buy. Then after that we can go and eat very big fish and drink Moet. I want to spoil you ni.”

Shopping? Anything I want I can buy? Hmm, that was too tempting to let pass just like that. My finger hovered and darted to click on the DP again, and back to read his messages. If only I could get all the things he was offering without having to do anything with the filthy-looking thing.

What if….? Yes!

I jumped up from my bed as an idea occurred to me. I remembered a funny video I had seen somewhere online, in which a lady outsmarted a man who wanted to have sex with her by pretending to be a mermaid, thereby scaring him away.

“I can do the same with this solo now,” I thought aloud. “I will let him take me shopping and treat me to the fullest at a bar. When it is time for me to go back home with him, I would start acting like a mermaid to chase him off!”

I smiled to myself as this idea took firm root in my mind. Trust me, I am a good actress; I would give an outstanding performance. Many years back, a naïve and younger me had had a stint trying to become an actress, and could have made a very good one too, if not for the fact that the directors kept disappointing even after having sex with me… well, that is a story for another day. Right now, I have to put my acting skills into good use.

“Shopping? Are you sure?” I typed, in response to my maga for the night.

“Baby, seeing is believing. Just give me chance tonight and see if I will not make your dreams come true.”

I looked at the clock. It was 4.30pm. “Okay, come and pick me up at…” I gave him a bus-stop not too far from me, not wanting him to know exactly where I lived. Then I started dressing up.

In 15 minutes, I was ready and in another 10, I was waiting for my maga at the bus-stop. I was still fantasizing about all the clothes I would buy when a man walked up to me, grinning with an unnaturally gap-toothed mouth. “Aunty Kira,” he said and tried to hug me.

“Excuse you,” I stepped back angrily from the stranger.

“Is me, Deinde,” he said still grinning. “You don’t recognize me from my picture ni? I can recognize you very well.”

I blinked and saw that it was indeed the maga I had been chatting with on WhatsApp. He looked even worse in real life! The tribal-marks and bleary eyes were the same, but I had not noticed the fact that he had a very wide, unbecoming gap tooth that must have been gotten from more than one street fight. Also, he was quite a scrawny fellow, and looked like someone that needed an urgent fattening diet to save his life. To top it all up was a very bad dress sense – he was wearing a black and white shirt on print green and yellow trousers. God!

I took a step back again. How could this creature have enough money to take me out on a shopping spree?

My doubt was soon laid to rest with his next statement. “Oya, let’s go to my car,” he waved at a black, new-looking Toyota Venza not far from us.

Wow, abi this man is an armed robbed? I mused. Well, I really did not care, as long as he spoilt me with money as promised.

I let him lead me to the car and was soon directing him towards a shopping complex where I knew we would find expensive boutiques.

“You are looking sexy o, Aunty Kira,” he drank me in as he drove. “Omo to shan.”

Yes I was looking irresistible, like I always do. I was wearing a body-fitting tube dress that displayed my light skin and curves temptingly to the eyes like wares on a tomato-seller’s table.

We arrived at the shopping complex and within the next one hour, I had shopped to stupor, moving from one boutique to the other within the complex, and grabbing all the clothes, shoes, bags and weaves my hungry hands could carry. I kept stealing looks at the Deinde of a man, but he seemed unbothered by the high bill I was raking up, giving me the confidence to grab more and more. By the time we were done, I had raked up a bill of 380k, which to my surprise the maga paid without flinching.

And he wasn’t done spoiling me. Next, he took me somewhere to eat big fish as he had promised and drink Moet and Chandon. Though I left the alcohol to him and stuck to malt, as I needed all the clear eyes I could get to execute my plan fully.

I watched as my maga became very excited and animated when they started playing Reminisce’s song, Tesojue.

“Wa fe ku lale yi. Wa fe ku laleyi. Ma tesojue laleyi,” he sang along, looking me squarely in the eyes, the gap-toothed mouth drooping with smiling anticipation.

It’s not me and you, I said inwardly. I had no intention of letting this thing touch me even with all he had spent. Not when I had a bad-ass plan that would ensure I got away with my bounty, without having to degrade myself by letting him into my body. It’s not every day one will just be spreading legs for every Tom, Dick and Harry just like that.

At 8am, Deinde stood up and said “Oya, let us go. There’s one fine hotel I know around here. You will like it.”

“It cannot be as beautiful as my own hotel,” I promptly responded. “Let me take you to my own hotel, it is like a palace and you don’t have to spend a kobo there.”

“Ah, how manage?”

“Don’t worry, it is my turn to take care of you,” I smiled like a seductress and his alcohol-weakened mind did not bother arguing.

We left the bar and he began driving towards my so-called hotel. I directed him over Lekki bridge, through Ajah and towards the beach.

“Ah, this your hotel is very far o,” he kept mumbling,

“Don’t worry you will enjoy it. Gbogbo aiye.”

Finally I asked him to park, and came down from the car. We were at the beach now, and I could hear the waves crashing strongly behind us. I made sure, though, that while we had stopped at a quiet, deserted spot, it was not far from a busy bus-stop. I did not want to be stranded on a quiet beach all alone when done with my plan. Once I succeeded in scaring Deinde away with my mermaid act, I would simply go down to the bus-stop and take a bus or taxi back home.

Deinde looked around, searching for a hotel. “Where the hotel?”

I picked up the three shopping bags and my hand bag and began walking towards the water, turning once to beckon him to follow me which he did after locking up the car. When I was close enough to see the water, I stopped, dropped the bags and turned back to him. Then my acting display began. I started swaying from left to right like someone under a spell, undulating my body like a snake and waving my hands in the air.

“Come, let’s go. Come with me to the water kingdom, my husband. Come, come, let’s go inside the water.”

“Ehn!” the man was startled. “Water kingdom ke?”

“Yes, I am a mammy water and I am taking you back to the water with me.” For good effect, I added my best rendition of a mammy water laughter that would have made any Nollywood horror movie director proud.

But Deinde’s next reaction was nothing like what I had expected. His initial shock suddenly cleared and along with it, the alcohol haze that had hitherto hovered around him. He clapped and gave me an annoying little grin.

“Well-played. You wan scam me abi?” He shirked English for Pidgin. “Me sef I don watch the film wey you learn this 419 from. You think say I go run and you go chop my money go free? Lailai! If you be mammy water, me gaan I be pappy water. I go chop my money comot for your body here now now!”

And he pounced on me like a starving hyena.

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